Why We Self-Sabotage (and How to Stop Getting in Our Own Way)

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Why do I keep doing this?” You make progress and then pull yourself backwards. You get close to someone and push them away. You promise you’ll change and find yourself right back where you started. That’s self-sabotage. It’s frustrating, painful, and confusing — but it’s also deeply human. And the good news? Once you understand why you do it, you can learn how to step out of the cycle.

1. What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage happens when our actions work against what we actually want. It’s like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake. You might recognise it as procrastinating, picking fights, quitting before finishing, using substances or avoidance when life feels too good or too close, or saying 'I can’t' when deep down, you know you can. At first, these behaviours can look like laziness or lack of motivation, but underneath, they’re usually about fear.

2. Why We Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage isn’t about wanting to fail — it’s about wanting to stay safe. For many people, especially those who’ve lived with trauma, rejection, or instability, success or closeness can actually feel threatening.

Common root causes include:

Fear of Failure: 'If I don’t try, I can’t fail.' We sabotage before others can judge us.

Fear of Success: 'If I succeed, people will expect more.' We stay small because change feels unsafe or undeserved.

Low Self-Worth: 'I don’t deserve good things.' We repeat patterns that match our inner belief about who we are.

Comfort in Chaos: For those raised around dysfunction or crisis, calm can feel unfamiliar. So when life gets stable, we unconsciously stir things up because chaos feels like home.

3. The Shadow Message vs. The Golden Truth

At the heart of every act of self-sabotage is a shadow message — a false belief you learned early in life.

Examples of shadow messages: 'I’m not good enough.' 'I always ruin things.' 'People leave me.' 'I don’t deserve to be happy.'

These beliefs whisper in your mind every time something good starts to grow. But they are not the truth.

Your golden truth is what you’re learning to live by: 'I am capable.' 'I am worthy of growth.' 'I am learning, not failing.' 'I deserve peace and love.'

4. How to Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotage

Step 1 – Notice the Pattern: Start catching yourself in the moment — when do you start pulling away, avoiding, or blowing things up? Awareness is the first step toward choice.

Step 2 – Pause Before Reacting: Take a breath. Ask yourself, 'What am I afraid of right now?' You can’t change what you don’t face.

Step 3 – Reframe the Thought: Instead of 'I’ll just ruin it anyway,' try 'I’ve made mistakes before, but I’m learning.' Instead of 'It’s too late for me,' try 'It’s never too late to start again.'

Step 4 – Focus on Small Wins: Change doesn’t happen through big leaps — it happens through small consistent steps. Every time you show up differently, you’re rewiring your brain for success.

Step 5 – Ask for Support: Talk it out. Whether it’s a counsellor, mentor, or trusted friend, share what’s happening. Self-sabotage loses its power when it’s brought into the open.

5. Reflection: Turning Insight Into Action

Try asking yourself:• When in my life do I tend to self-sabotage?• What am I afraid might happen if I succeed or open up?• What’s one small way I can act differently next time?• What would my life look like if I believed I deserve good things?

Write your answers down. Reading them back can help you see your growth more clearly.

6. Final Thoughts

Self-sabotage isn’t about being broken — it’s about being wounded. It’s a leftover survival strategy that once kept you safe but now keeps you stuck. The goal isn’t to fight yourself — it’s to understand yourself.

Every time you notice the pattern and choose a kinder response, you’re breaking the old story and writing a new one. You are not your past habits. You are the person learning to live beyond them.