Understanding the Motives Behind Harmful Behaviour:

When we look at harmful or controlling behaviours, it’s easy to label them simply as “wrong” or “abusive.” But to create real change, it’s important to dig deeper and understand why these behaviours happen. Every action is tied to an underlying need or emotion and recognising this is the first step toward healthier choices.

1. Survival-Based Motives

Core Need: Safety, protection, control over overwhelming feelings

Sometimes, controlling or abusive behaviours are not about power or entitlement—they’re about survival. Men may act out as a way to cope with fear, pain, or past trauma. It’s a defensive strategy, a misguided attempt to protect themselves emotionally.

What this looks like:

• Fear of abandonment: “If she leaves, I won’t survive.”

• Shame or worthlessness: “If she sees my weakness, she’ll leave, so I cover it with anger.”

• Trauma responses: Growing up in chaotic environments may make conflict feel normal and calm feel unsafe.

Healthy alternatives:

• Pause and breathe before reacting.

• Step back physically or mentally until calm.

• Name the fear internally: “I feel scared.”

• Seek support from a trusted friend, mentor, or counsellor.

• Use self-soothing activities: exercise, grounding, music.

Key Insight:“Sometimes what looks like aggression on the surface is actually fear underneath. Understanding the survival need behind it helps you find healthier ways to protect yourself without hurting others.”

2. Material-Based Motives

Core Need: Security, stability, provision

When behaviour is materially motivated, the goal is to secure or protect something tangible—money, property, possessions, access to children, or social status. The cruelty or control is a tool to achieve these ends.

Examples:

• Threatening or abusing a partner to control household money.

• Using intimidation to claim property or assets during separation.

• Withholding resources to punish or gain leverage.

Healthy alternatives:

• Negotiate respectfully rather than demand.

• Plan and budget together.

• Set personal goals to achieve stability independently.

• Separate resources responsibly.

• Focus on contribution rather than control.

Teaching Tip for Men:“Sometimes the control or cruelty is tied to what you want to protect—understanding this helps you find non-harmful ways to achieve your goals.”

3. Entitlement-Based Motives

Core Need: Recognition, respect, affirmation

An entitlement motive comes from believing the world owes you something—obedience, attention, respect, or material comfort. When needs aren’t met, men may push, control, or punish.

Signs of entitlement-based behaviour:

• Expecting compliance without considering others’ feelings.

• Believing a partner owes affection or loyalty.

• Using anger or intimidation to “get what’s mine.”

Healthy alternatives:

• Communicate needs clearly: “I feel ___, I need ___.”

• Check assumptions: “Does the other person really owe me this?”

• Practice empathy and respect for autonomy.

• Collaborate on problem-solving.

• Validate your worth internally rather than demanding it externally.

Key Insight:“Entitlement makes us act like the world owes us something. Recognising this gives a chance to take responsibility and shift toward respect and negotiation.”

4. Sadistic-Based Motives

Core Need: Power, control, thrill, validation

Some behaviours are driven by pleasure from others’ distress, excitement from control, or the personal satisfaction of causing fear. Unlike survival or material motives, this is about deriving power or thrill from the act itself.

Examples:

• Enjoying someone’s fear or pain.

• Escalating intimidation or cruelty for personal satisfaction.

• Humiliating or manipulating others.

Healthy alternatives:

• Channel energy into competitive sports or exercise.

• Engage in creative outlets: art, music, writing.

• Practice leadership and influence positively.

• Notice urges without acting on them, journal feelings.

• Reward yourself in non-harmful ways: celebrate achievements.

Key Insight:“Recognising sadistic motives is hard, but it’s the first step toward accountability and learning safer ways to feel power or excitement.”

Tips for Change

• Each motive points to a need, not a justification.

• Goal: meet the need without hurting anyone.

• Start small: choose one behaviour this week, try an alternative, and reflect on the outcome.

• With repeated practice, curiosity → conscious choice → habit → positive change.

Bottom Line: Understanding the motives behind behaviour is not about excusing it—it’s about recognising the needs driving it and learning safer, healthier ways to meet those needs. Change starts with awareness, reflection, and deliberate practice.