Bids for Connection: The Small Moments That Shape a Relationship

When we think of building strong, lasting relationships, we often picture grand gestures or deep, heart-to-heart conversations. But the truth is, some of the most powerful ways couples stay connected come down to the small, everyday moments — what relationship expert Dr John Gottman calls “bids for connection.”

What Is a Bid for Connection?

A bid is any attempt to get attention, affection, or emotional support from your partner. It can be as obvious as saying, “Can you give me a hug?” or as subtle as a glance, a sigh, or a passing comment like, “Look at that sunset.”

Bids can be:

• Verbal: e.g., “How was your day?” or “Want to watch a movie together?”

• Non-verbal: a smile, a gentle touch, or sitting close by

How you and your partner respond to these bids has a significant impact on how connected and supported you both feel.

The Three Ways People Respond to Bids

When one partner makes a bid for connection, there are generally three types of responses:

1. Turning TowardYou respond with interest or engagement.Example: “That’s a great sunset. Let’s watch it together.”

2. Turning AwayYou ignore or miss the bid.Example: You continue scrolling on your phone and say nothing.

3. Turning AgainstYou respond with irritation, criticism, or frustration.Example: “Why are you always interrupting me when I’m busy?”

Couples who consistently turn toward each other tend to build stronger, more emotionally connected relationships. Over time, those small, positive responses add up and create a sense of safety, closeness, and trust.

Why Bids Matter

Research shows that in strong relationships, partners respond positively to bids around 86% of the time. But when bids are ignored or rejected too often, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, or emotional disconnection. That’s why noticing and responding to bids — even the small ones — is so important.

How to Strengthen Bids in Your Relationship

1. Start Noticing BidsBegin by paying attention to how your partner seeks connection — through words, gestures, or tone. Even complaints or jokes can sometimes be bids in disguise.

2. Respond with PresenceWhen you notice a bid, try to respond — even briefly. A small acknowledgment, eye contact, or kind word can go a long way.

3. Make Your Own BidsDon’t hesitate to reach out yourself. Ask for connection, share something from your day, or suggest time together. Vulnerability invites closeness.

4. Talk About It TogetherConsider having an open conversation about what bids look like for each of you. This can help you both understand each other’s emotional needs more clearly.

Final Thoughts

Strong relationships aren’t built overnight — they grow from a collection of small, meaningful moments. Every time you respond to your partner’s bid for connection, you’re adding a brick to the foundation of your relationship.

By paying attention to these moments, and choosing to turn toward one another, couples can deepen trust, improve communication, and feel more emotionally secure — even during life’s tougher seasons.